Epiphanies and Second Chances

The knuckles have been cracked. A neck rotation stretch has been done. But the writing is still a little rusty – beginning with sentences in the passive voice. But write we must, and here’s why.

After a terrible few months, I think I had an epiphany of sorts. Make that two epiphanies. No, correction: one epiphany and one sort-of-revelation. You’d think an epiphany would be a grand event that shakes the ground beneath your feet, tears the sky open like a curtain, lightning would strike and thunder would roar, and lions would fall from the sky. But, like nearly everything of importance that happens in a person’s lifetime, epiphanies strike without fanfare. Silently. A simple thought that seems to clear a lot of the fog.

We’ve been taught since childhood that we must not let go of that which we love and that which loves us. I love to write, and on some days, the good days, writing loves me back. It would be foolish to waste that for the reasons I had. My reasons included plagiarism, the terrible state of literature, the terrible state of the world, the terrible state of my life, the rampant back-scratching and reciprocation in the blogging community, the lack of audience, false friends and more. If you think about it, really think about it, I think I did not give up writing for myself, but I gave it up for others. Which is… mind-numbingly stupid.

I may not be as great a writer as my dad thinks I am. But I’m not as bad as my colleague thinks I am. I may not be as good as a certain writer, I may not be as bad as another certain writer. But I’m a writer in my own right, irrespective of where I stand on a scale that someone constructed. And that’s true for anyone who is or wants to be a writer – it doesn’t matter where you stand or who reads you – you have a gift, don’t give that up. We don’t give up on gifts; so few have them, and even fewer have the chance to use them.

So while I sat, wallowing in misery and self pity, and doubts about my ability as a writer, fears about my ability to even carry on with life, a voice whispered, “You don’t get second chances. Don’t give up on writing; that’s the one thing you have that’s entirely your own. Don’t give that up. If you do, you’ll never turn the clock back and get back to it.” I think it was the voice of rational thought. Or, for the spiritually inclined, maybe it was the voice of God? Or maybe my role models speaking to me from the beyond? Whatever it was, it made me realize that I have to do this – I can’t protect my work from being stolen, I can’t force people to read me, and I can’t control what happens in life or who I meet or how they treat me – writing is something I must do. Anything else I say, anything I say to not write, is an excuse, feeble at best. Granted, to reach this conclusion (or epiphany, as I like to believe it is), to understand that you don’t get second chances, to get it through my head that you don’t let go of what’s important, I had to go through the worst pain I’ve known – something, which, at the time, I believed, it would be impossible to recover from – but it’s taught me so much. It’s taught me what’s truly important, and made me realize I was about to throw that away out of pettiness. And I’m recovering. If you had met me this time last month, I would have told you that’s never gonna happen. But to heal is a choice I must make for myself. And that’s what I’m gonna do.

And I’m gonna keep writing till I can. Cos that’s what writers do.

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13 thoughts on “Epiphanies and Second Chances

  1. nomadwrites January 13, 2017 / 8:13 PM

    I am so glad I didn’t see you last month this time 🙂 Writing, after all, is an art that can never be mastered. It can only be honed, learned, and carried on with every passing day. Welcome back 🙂 (For me, when one writes they add to it their personal way, their thoughts and that uniqueness is what stands out. Always) Good or not, or whatever one feels, why in the world would you ever give up what you love 🙂
    (Too much said? In short, such a straight post and all i want to say is keep writing 🙂 🙂 🙂 ) Cheers.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva January 16, 2017 / 10:05 AM

      Oh, I’m glad too that no one saw me last month!

      Thank you; I hope to keep writing from now on. Let’s hope I don’t get filled with doubts and insecurities again – not any time soon anyway 😉

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Lata Sunil January 13, 2017 / 10:06 PM

    Sreesha, whatever doubts you have, never doubt your writing capability. And whoever thinks you are a bad writer, has never read anything or written even a decent sentence. Just ignore the negativity. Be you.. and write.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva January 16, 2017 / 10:07 AM

      Lata, your encouragement means the world to me. It’s not just about someone saying something. Sometimes, you have these dark days, when you just question everything – even that which you think you know.
      But now I feel, one solution to those dark days is to keep writing to clear them off!

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Mithila Menezes January 13, 2017 / 10:34 PM

    Woah! This is one helluva awesome comeback post! ❤
    I’m going to bookmark this post and read it whenever I feel these conflicting thoughts. The way you’ve outlined almost every single fear that I have, and shared that blessing of ‘voice in the head’, is way better than any self-help book. Really.
    I’m just happy you’re back here among the petrichor and clouds. Keep rocking as always dear 😘

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva January 16, 2017 / 10:11 AM

      Mithila, my sweetheart, I’ve missed reading you! You amaze me, truly! ❤

      Thank you so much for all your kind words. Words and hugs go a long way.

      Glad my post helped you 🙂 Muahh!

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Rajlakshmi January 19, 2017 / 9:52 AM

    It’s been like a thousand years since I read your posts. So good to know you are healing… And you better keep up with that 🙂 the voices in my head have long stopped talking, I don’t know why, probably I talk too much.
    I really hope you are past the bad phase. Keep writing my dear… It feels good 😊

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva January 23, 2017 / 10:06 AM

      To be completely honest, your support and virtual hugs meant a lot to me and helped a lot. 🙂 Thank you for being there.

      Hehe, the voices will be back if you need them to be; until then enjoy the quiet 😀
      The terrible phase is over I think; a bit of it is still there, but I’m writing about literally everything now, like this blog is going to become some kinda “TMI personal diary” sort of thing 😛

      Like

  5. shanayatales January 24, 2017 / 1:07 AM

    I have been off the blog reading circuit for the last week, as I have been travelling on and off, but when I did check my reader today- seeing your posts there made the most happy.

    You already know that I enjoy reading your posts and look forward to them. But here is something you may not know – I typically don’t enjoy reading fiction outside of books. But there are exceptions. You are among the few exceptions.

    Even the fiction you write reflects your essence – your integrity, and your heart. So, please don’t doubt yourself, and if and when you do fall in the trap of self doubt, know that there are folks like me, who look forward to reading you. Not all of them will be as vocal about it as me, but they are there.

    However, above all else, write for yourself. And whenever you feel down, know that we are here to cheer you on. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva January 30, 2017 / 10:15 AM

      I know what you mean; I rarely read fiction outside of books myself, so I know where you’re coming from. I feel honored that you would include me in the list of works you do read 🙂

      Thank you for all the kind words, and for just being there. Means a lot! For now, fiction is on a break, and my blog is going to sound embarrassingly like a personal diary. Let’s see where this goes. Join me? 😀

      Liked by 1 person

  6. shanayatales February 1, 2017 / 8:35 AM

    Always. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. matheikal March 14, 2017 / 7:34 PM

    I guess no genuine writer is like any other writer. We have to be ourselves. And plod on. Whether others find us good or not.

    Liked by 1 person

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