I dislike vegetables and most fruits. I am using “dislike” here politely, so as to not hurt the sentiments of any fruits or vegetables that may end up reading this post – it’s so easy to offend anyone and everyone nowadays. If it helps, I like potato and okra, but that’s about it. Back in the hostel, the girls often asked if I would like a strainer or sieve with my gravy, because that’s how carefully I avoided vegetables.
But that relationship is easy to explain, because it’s either love or hate – there’s no grey ground. When it comes to onions though – neither the husband nor the mother can figure out what it is with me and onions. If I am out with friends on lunch, my relationship with onions becomes a topic of heated debates – and some dirty looks. So I decided to do what every writer worth his or her salt does – documents it for posterity. Because who else would write a detailed post about onions! (Also, if Himesh Reshammiya decides to produce, direct and act in another movie, maybe I’ll sell this to him as a juicy plot – that is, of course, my ultimate aim)
So gather around, you little folks, and read my 10 Onion Rules. And take notes, I can’t repeat this at EVERY outing.
- I do not like onions cooked in gravy. They feel like spider webs or boogers in my mouth. Cooking them this way gives them a certain flaccidity, and that… let’s just say, I dislike all things flaccid.
- On the other hand, I like onions ground to a paste, cooked in oil to perfection (until light brown – not transparent and definitely not pink), and then added to the gravy. That way I don’t know what I am eating.
- I like onions in raita – As long as you add tomatoes, cucumber, cilantro and green chillies. All finely chopped. As fine as you can without hurting your fingers in the process.
- I also like onions when sprinkled over other, tastier food – such as fried chicken, or pav bhaji (I think of the bhaji as the ideal vegetarian dish – it’s all mashed, so I don’t have to look at individual vegetables, and it all blends well and tastes great) as long as (there’s always a rule) there’s a generous amount of lemon juice masking its… umm.. flavour.
- I like onions in chaat, as long as the sweet chutney and the spicy chutney are in equal amounts.
- I don’t like onions in rolls, subs, and sandwiches – raw or cooked. Just no.
- I don’t like onions on my pizza. Baked in cheese? Cheese ruined with that horrid, horrid taste? I call it sacrilege!
- I like onions in Mexican-style rice. Because it’s finely chopped.
- I don’t like them in salads. I don’t like salads. Period.
- I hate onion pakoras. Unless they’re burnt and served with lots of ketchup. Yes, burnt.
You think it’s complicated? Oh you think it is! Hrmph!
Please take a printout of this or save a copy on your mobile phone so that the next time I am out for lunch or dinner with you, you don’t stumble. You’re welcome!
PS: Reshammiya’s mind is buzzing with ideas. His next movie is going to be titled either Pyaazi Aatma or Aatma Do Pyaaza.