Relationship Status: It’s Complicated, With Onions

I dislike vegetables and most fruits. I am using “dislike” here politely, so as to not hurt the sentiments of any fruits or vegetables that may end up reading this post – it’s so easy to offend anyone and everyone nowadays. If it helps, I like potato and okra, but that’s about it. Back in the hostel, the girls often asked if I would like a strainer or sieve with my gravy, because that’s how carefully I avoided vegetables.

But that relationship is easy to explain, because it’s either love or hate – there’s no grey ground. When it comes to onions though – neither the husband nor the mother can figure out what it is with me and onions. If I am out with friends on lunch, my relationship with onions becomes a topic of heated debates – and some dirty looks. So I decided to do what every writer worth his or her salt does – documents it for posterity. Because who else would write a detailed post about onions! (Also, if Himesh Reshammiya decides to produce, direct and act in another movie, maybe I’ll sell this to him as a juicy plot – that is, of course, my ultimate aim)

So gather around, you little folks, and read my 10 Onion Rules. And take notes, I can’t repeat this at EVERY outing.

  1. I do not like onions cooked in gravy. They feel like spider webs or boogers in my mouth. Cooking them this way gives them a certain flaccidity, and that… let’s just say, I dislike all things flaccid.
  2. On the other hand, I like onions ground to a paste, cooked in oil to perfection (until light brown – not transparent and definitely not pink), and then added to the gravy. That way I don’t know what I am eating.
  3. I like onions in raita – As long as you add tomatoes, cucumber, cilantro and green chillies. All finely chopped. As fine as you can without hurting your fingers in the process.
  4. I also like onions when sprinkled over other, tastier food – such as fried chicken, or pav bhaji (I think of the bhaji as the ideal vegetarian dish – it’s all mashed, so I don’t have to look at individual vegetables, and it all blends well and tastes great) as long as (there’s always a rule) there’s a generous amount of lemon juice masking its… umm.. flavour.
  5. I like onions in chaat, as long as the sweet chutney and the spicy chutney are in equal amounts.
  6. I don’t like onions in rolls, subs, and sandwiches – raw or cooked. Just no.
  7. I don’t like onions on my pizza. Baked in cheese? Cheese ruined with that horrid, horrid taste? I call it sacrilege!
  8. I like onions in Mexican-style rice. Because it’s finely chopped.
  9. I don’t like them in salads. I don’t like salads. Period.
  10. I hate onion pakoras. Unless they’re burnt and served with lots of ketchup. Yes, burnt.

You think it’s complicated? Oh you think it is! Hrmph!

Please take a printout of this or save a copy on your mobile phone so that the next time I am out for lunch or dinner with you, you don’t stumble. You’re welcome!

PS: Reshammiya’s mind is buzzing with ideas. His next movie is going to be titled either Pyaazi Aatma or Aatma Do Pyaaza.

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28 thoughts on “Relationship Status: It’s Complicated, With Onions

    • Sreesha Diva October 28, 2015 / 12:11 PM

      Now that you know exactly how to cook for me, why don’t you cook for me? Come on!

      Like

  1. Marta Frant October 28, 2015 / 12:24 PM

    I’m summer squash and I’m slightly offended 😦

    Like

    • Sreesha Diva October 28, 2015 / 12:27 PM

      Hahahaha, aww, maybe I’ll grind you to a paste, yeah? That make you feel better?

      Like

    • Marta Frant October 28, 2015 / 2:35 PM

      then I won’t look so tasty…

      Like

  2. Parul Thakur October 28, 2015 / 12:38 PM

    Ha ha!! I was giggling with Aatma do Pyaza and Pyazi Aatma. and those rules with onion? glad you shared! 😀
    I don’t like raw onions at all – in anything. Cooked however, works for me always.
    Fun post!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva October 28, 2015 / 12:43 PM

      *gasps* Do not giggle, my dear, the man makes serious cinema worth applauding.

      Ok, I’ll stop 😛

      Hahahaha, yeah those are my rules. Naw, please refer to point # 1 for my problems with cooked onions 😛 😛

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Beaton October 28, 2015 / 1:40 PM

    I absolutely love onions, one (read as me myself and I) can never have too much of them. If you are watching me cook and exclaim “my word isn’t that enough onion” and you see tears stream down my eyes it’s not at all because of the chopping and dicing I am doing to the lil onions, it’s because I can’t kill you. Killing is bad. Onions are good see here *waving knife around * good good good.
    So you might want to take a rain check on a meal cooked by me.

    ~B

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva October 28, 2015 / 1:53 PM

      How! How I ask you! You make onions sound so… cute and angelic. They’re not. They’re evil. That’s why you cry when you chop them.

      Liked by 1 person

    • Beaton October 28, 2015 / 2:04 PM

      No no no noooo.! It’s all those layers that leave them misunderstood that’s what makes sea water salty, all those tears for misunderstood onions, wind up in the ocean.

      Like

  4. the little princess October 28, 2015 / 1:44 PM

    Now when I see onions in gravy all I am going to think of is spider webs and boogers…

    **quickly runs to the office printer to take a printout..

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva October 28, 2015 / 1:57 PM

      Heheheheh mission accomplished 3-)

      Like

  5. Shilpa Gupte October 28, 2015 / 2:13 PM

    You remind me of my sis-in-law. She, too, dislikes onion in curries and sabjis, unless it is ground to a fine paste and fried till brown! Wow! Coincidence! And, I, too, dislike, nay, hate raw onion in my chaat/sandwiches/salads. The other day, I relished a bhel made by hubby only to wake up the next day with an onion-y taste in my mouth (despite furiously brushing the night before!) . YUCKS! So, there you go. Don’t you worry, Sreesha. You got company, babe! 🙂 ‘Oh, and, Atmaa do pyaaza as well as Pyaazi aatma will definitely make it to the Oscars, if made! 🙂 Loved the names!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva October 28, 2015 / 2:25 PM

      That taste does not go away!!! Dear lord, do we have to use floor cleaner to get rid of it!

      They will. I will personally supervise the script and they will glide their way to the Oscars. Pliss to watch, okays?

      Like

  6. bobbibowwoman October 28, 2015 / 2:14 PM

    I feel in many ways the same as you when it comes to onions. They, the onions, need to be either chopped so fine as they practically disappear in a dish OR they need to be slowly caramelized in butter or oil before being included in a dish which brings out the sugar in them.
    I will remove any onion that dare enter either my sandwich or salad.

    You are not alone. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva October 28, 2015 / 2:30 PM

      Oh yes, let it disappear. Just go, just don’t be anywhere where I can see it.

      I remove it too, but it still leaves its taste behind, which ruins it!

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Beat About The Book October 28, 2015 / 7:58 PM

    Uff this seems like a very deep-seated dislike. Bechare onions ne aap ka kya bigara hai? You need to give them a second chance.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva October 29, 2015 / 12:55 PM

      The stink, m’lady. Although, there are certain ways in which I do like them – terms and conditions apply 😛

      Like

    • Sreesha Diva October 30, 2015 / 10:24 AM

      “To the core”… how many layers before you reach the core! 😛
      😉

      Liked by 1 person

  8. akaushiva October 30, 2015 / 7:38 AM

    Haha! Hilarious! Never thought I’d see a post entirely dedicated to onions! 😀

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva October 30, 2015 / 10:23 AM

      Hehhehehe 😀 I’m amazing, no? 😛 😛

      Like

  9. Rajlakshmi November 4, 2015 / 3:28 PM

    I don’t like onions in gravy too and sometimes I cook without them. But burnt onions!! It’s beyond my imagination 😛

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sreesha Diva November 4, 2015 / 4:20 PM

      Oh, burnt onions are cool. I like them in pakodas, and where I come from, when we make biriyani, we use them with saffron and dry fruits before serving.

      Like

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