Why So Furious? Let’s Put That Tissue In Its Place


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After I posted The Backstabber, I got flooded with questions – oh, who am I kidding! – the two or three people who read it, asked me about my thoughts on pre-marital sex. I write fifty posts about love and relationships and no one bats an eye. I write one post which, with a lot of subtlety, alludes to a so-called “sensitive issue” and everyone two-three people get really curious!

Image courtesy: Google (like, where else would I get this!)

   
Why is this (only this) being blown out of proportion? Is a (really thin) tissue really worth so much discussion? Why should what someone does in their own time become a subject of tea-time gossip or a weapon of mass-future-blackmail (I know what you did last summer. Play your cards right or I’ll tell your mother)?

Some truly bizarre instances that I have come across:


1) Boy meets girl – falls truly, madly, deeply in love with her (apparently) – comes to know girl had a boyfriend in the past – rushes girl to hospital to find out the status of her hymen (yo’ love as thin as a tissue eh, bro? (literally)).
2) The well-known Khushboo controversy – crazy fans build temple for mere mortal because she looks “hot” on screen – mortal says “No educated man should expect his wife to be a virgin” – crazy fans turn deranged and destroy aforementioned temple. (Idiots, she made more sense when she made that statement than when the lot of you built that temple)
3) Random Indian dude claims to have slept with multiple women – but will marry only a virgin from his gaon selected by mummy dearest, because he cannot be with a “used piece” (in such instances, “Dude, what the f***!” sounds like a gross understatement)

Why does it become a viable character-assassination chapter when a girl gives into her instincts? Why isn’t a guy even questioned in these matters? There are situations in which you can’t be right or wrong. You just be. If you want to be goody-two-shoes about it, it’s fine. If you want to give in, what is wrong, I ask you! And why is it that majority of Indian men think that the presence of the hymen is the ultimate test of your wife/girlfriend’s “purity”? I hate to be the one breaking it to you – but a hymen can not break when you’re ill or active in sports. Also, if she wanted to deceive you or something, it is easily replaceable. How ignorant of these facts are you?

That’s another thing that annoys me. What’s with all the purity/impurity nonsense? What, are you buying groceries from a store? Checking if daal has something kaala in it?

I once received a forwarded sms, which had pink undertones of “Aww, so sugary sweet”; but like all things too sugary and sweet, it simply made me nauseated. It went like this, “Every guy wishes he is his girlfriend’s first love and every girl wishes she is her boyfriend’s last love.” This line was followed by a bunch of “less-than-3″s and blushing smileys. Yes, definitely I would wish to be my man’s last (that’s stating the obvious), but what sort of a narrow-minded, insecure guy would beg to be a girl’s first and only? Are you afraid that she would keep comparing you with someone else, and someone else would get more marks? You think she might dominate you (explain this to me, how is a woman with a “past” more dominating? I have heard this statement from some guys, but sounded senseless)? Or is the thought too scary that she might teach you a thing or two (in life, in bed, whatever)? Your male ego can’t stand being taught things “by a girl”? Is that why you behave illiterate despite being educated, because most of your teachers were women and you refused to be taught anything?

As an IT professional working with clients from abroad, I often get included on congratulatory mail chains when my counterparts deliver babies or celebrate other happy occasions. Once, one of my counterparts happily announced that his girlfriend had recently delivered their second child. Congratulations followed. A bunch of scandalized Indians sat and stared at the emails wondering “Girlfriend? Haaye haaye! Not married and bachcha paida kar diya?!” We are talking about a bunch of educated (and yet, scandalized) IT professionals here. In my opinion, a man who loves his girlfriend and has a child with her is any day much better than a man who followed “customs” and “traditions” and married a “pure” ghee girl of his parents’ choice and gave them grandchildren before the first year was out. In all possibility, he has not even properly seen the face of the girl he married; if mummy-dearest said, “Son, I want to hear the sound of tiny feet,” then sonny dear probably got down to business, and the face of his wife is probably not what he was looking at! 


I should probably end this rant, though I have so much more to say on this subject. But the whole bunch of Indian men who call women derogatory things like “used pieces” should know – dears, you’re entitled to your deranged, perverted, narrow-minded, sick opinions, but if you can flaunt a past with fifteen girlfriends (real or imagined), just to be called a stud in your social circle, then you have no right to judge a girl who has loved (but, possibly and sadly lost) a guy or two in her past. You may be a stud (good for you, man!), but she is NOT a slut!


Brickbats welcomed below! 

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37 thoughts on “Why So Furious? Let’s Put That Tissue In Its Place

  1. Sougata Khan December 1, 2013 / 9:11 AM

    Well I can totally relate to all this shit. Being surrounded with over educated backward and narrow minded people. Sadly not every woman is like you. Some end up marrying them, imagine their plight.

    Like

  2. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 / 9:27 AM

    That's actually one of the reasons I wrote this. Someone sort of challenged me to find “at least” one man who would willingly marry a woman knowing that she is not a virgin. I wanted to find out if every guy thinks that way. It's surprising that even in educated circles, men are apprehensive towards a woman based on (what I consider) a trivial matter. Would a woman ever be allowed to question if the man she's marrying is a virgin? Would a guy answer truthfully, since he has all these notions in his mind?
    What difference does it make to anyone? Does it change who we are as people?

    Like

  3. Sougata Khan December 1, 2013 / 9:30 AM

    So you got 1 . and if you take my work then there are atleast three more of my friends.

    Like

  4. Maniparna Sengupta Majumder December 1, 2013 / 9:55 AM

    Unfortunately Sreesha,most men of our country think in exactly the way you've described..they want a virgin girl along with a handsome dowry when it comes to marriage.And another thing which I've noticed that when a girl dresses up somewhat “boldly'' these guys immediately conclude that she is available for sex ! The society must change its mindset first..Wonderful post and kudos to you for stating the facts. 🙂

    Like

  5. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 / 10:09 AM

    I don't understand the roots of this mindset. The past rulers of India shamelessly flaunted a string of wives and mistresses. How was that considered okay?
    And clothes! Don't even get me started on that! “The length of her skirt is not a measure of her 'character'” as stated by someone (can't recollect who). I mean granted, at times there's a time and place, for e.g., if you go to a funeral in a red short skirt, that's surely inappropriate. But otherwise, judging a woman on the basis of what she wears is ridiculous!

    Like

  6. im CRAzy NOt December 1, 2013 / 10:13 AM

    Oh hey, I was stirring my mind into a tizzy to find one point, where some of the blame can be attributed to women for this particular problem. But no, it's a male problem, there are no two ways about it. There are so many angles, the one big bad guy in all this is society and culture, brainwashing expectations into its people. And it gets aggravated by a human male's constant companions, his ego and feelings of inadequacy. But that's not all there is to it. I could write a 5 page essay on this :D. A first hand experience, I mean. LOL

    And I am seeing so many comments on this blog post my friend, so many, why exactly is that? Are you feeling lonely? awwwwwww. Did you think that somebody was going to come out and support you on this? awwww how cute.

    Like

  7. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 / 10:24 AM

    Okay, first I'll answer that weird last line – 1) I posted this just 2 hours ago 2) No, I knew no one is gonna support me; hence I wrote “Brickbats welcomed below” and not “Shower praises on me.”

    Secondly, I am not saying it's an all-male problem. I mean, there are two sides to every story. I know it is not just men who blame women for behaving in a certain way. I know of a bunch of mommies and saasummas who say “woh toh kabka moonh kaala karke aayi hai.” etc etc.
    Sweets, I was waiting for your insights on this one (cos I was as sure as the time of the day that you would have some) so I am gonna wait for that 5-page essay of yours.

    Like

  8. im CRAzy NOt December 1, 2013 / 10:48 AM

    ok, if I didn't make it clear enough. BRAVO. Loved the post. Support the opinion, but you know that I'm not a believer in the great indian conservative mindset. I don't think this idea is not gonna fly anywhere. You know. in India well educated means, medieval mindset tikka with science on the side.

    Jokes aside, I remember watching some documentary about this exact same stuff, where the desirability of female virginity was attributed to the man wanting to ensure the fact the children his wife bears are only his. That's actually stupid, but it was in the medieval times, so who cares. And you're wrong about saasumaas and mommies, they are preaching what they learned. They should know better, but not everybody is bright, you know.

    Like

  9. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 / 10:58 AM

    Of course this idea is not gonna fly. I had to rant so I ranted.
    About the documentary, yeah that's reasonable that a man should want his wife to bear kids that are actually his. But that's a question of infidelity. What if she lost her virginity 5 years before marriage, what's making the husband insecure then?
    And again, when a guy hesitantly asks a possible-bride during the “interview” “By-the-bye, are you pure, my dear?” what girl in her right mind would say, “Oh dear, no, I am as impure as rotten cabbages.”

    Like

  10. im CRAzy NOt December 1, 2013 / 11:21 AM

    As I mentioned this started as a result of all men being paranoid in the medieval time or may be not. But at that time as well as this, there is a particular thing that has been common. The ridicule of a man, whose wife or GF changes her mind mid way through the relationship. Suicides, murders etc. ensue. I'd say that the virginity check is a superstition that men follow, to ensure that the woman they are marrying would not leave them or exploits of her past won't come to haunt them. Have you heard any of those cruel jokes, the frat boys crack, about how their friend is impotent or gay since his GF left him? You'd say they are just jokes. Ask a guy how that feels. And lets just assume that, our guy is not in the good looking department. I mentioned the term “male inadequacy” before, didn't I? This is a male mental problem the society has brainwashed into him. Mostly just male society, i mean fraternity, I mean douchebags.

    Like

  11. Sougata Khan December 1, 2013 / 11:29 AM

    As far as i understand there is nothing wrong in a man expecting a virgin girl as long as he is one. It's a matter of beliefs then. But then if a guy who isn't a virgin wants a virgin woman that is just hypocrisy and no matter where the roots are, it's plain stupid. As far as aunties and neighbour's are concerned, it's about premarital sex that. They cannot digest the fact that we are having more fun than them. Lol

    Like

  12. im CRAzy NOt December 1, 2013 / 11:41 AM

    Oh wait, a man not really in the good looking department? does he have a pot belly? yes, a moustache? yes, whats his idea of friends? guys, and party? drinking with his machans. Hey I think I've met this guy before. Have you?

    Like

  13. im CRAzy NOt December 1, 2013 / 12:00 PM

    Oh hey, a nice joker reference by the way \m/

    Like

  14. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 / 12:03 PM

    But what is “right” in a man “expecting” a virgin girl, irrespective of whatever his virginity is. Granted that a guy whose not a virgin but who demands a virgin girl is a hypocrite. But in the first case, why is he “expecting” it? Back to my earlier question, how does virginity change the girl as a person? What if she's a virgin but a really bad person and treats him badly?

    Like

  15. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 / 12:06 PM

    Yeah I know jokes can be cruel; I spent 17 years of my life being called ugly, and I can imagine being called impotent is like, 100 times worse! But a man's inferiority complex should in no way be his turn table to judge women.

    Like

  16. im CRAzy NOt December 1, 2013 / 1:35 PM

    I've found calling someone ugly much worse. Those little complexes are the things that makes a person selfish, unfair, biased, judgmental, impressionable etc. etc. and so goes my hypotheses. All the above were just my opinions or hypotheses, I do not claim that, they have any scientific validity. It's all random psychology hokum.

    Like

  17. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 / 1:41 PM

    :O… o.O … But I don't think my childhood complex made me biased or judgmental… And thinking from a guy's POV, think of the cruel, ego-crushing, self-esteem destroying implications of being called “impotent”.

    Like

  18. im CRAzy NOt December 1, 2013 / 2:30 PM

    Hey I'm talking about the stuck up, emotionally retarded, unwilling to address his emotions human male, here. Not angels like you :D. It was a mistake not to address the lack of intelligence of those people. Sorry.

    Like

  19. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 / 2:33 PM

    Awww look who just called me an angel, I am soo blushing right now! 😉

    Like

  20. im CRAzy NOt December 1, 2013 / 2:52 PM

    Oh, I thought that was just the make up 😀

    Like

  21. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 / 2:55 PM

    !! Oh please! I can blush like a normal girly-girl too! *flickering eyelashes*

    Like

  22. Sougata Khan December 1, 2013 / 3:34 PM

    In the us its mostly religious reasons and that is fine. In India its because of low self esteem or simple conditioning. They believe what their moronic friends have told

    Like

  23. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 / 3:43 PM

    Even in India, there are some cultures where they are not really bothered about it (or so I've heard). But low self esteem and all – the whole attitude needs a makeover.

    Like

  24. Sougata Khan December 1, 2013 / 3:46 PM

    I have called some guys sexist publicly and shamed them for it a lot. It doesn't work. Let me know if you find a way.

    Like

  25. Abhra December 1, 2013 / 5:13 PM

    Well, can see where all the spite is coming from and yes I support your views. Unfortunately maturity in Indian social mindset on a bigger level, is yet to come. You can't help it by shouting. May be in time people will change.

    Like

  26. Prabal Thakur December 1, 2013 / 5:35 PM

    I agree to all the facts mentioned in your post but lots of anger in it. The issue is raised please search for an answer also because answer to these questions will make a way to better life.

    It was awesome post. Keep Rocking.

    Like

  27. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 / 5:45 PM

    I know I can't help the mentality by shouting alone, but maybe if we all stand up to shout, someday there'll be a change. All we can do is hope for the best!

    Like

  28. Sreesha Divakaran December 1, 2013 / 5:49 PM

    Hey Prabal! Thanks for reading.
    Yeah, I am seriously angry with the narrow-minded people who make up the bigger portion of our society. It's not fair labeling only the women. The question has been raised, but we all must collectively work for the solution; gradually change the attitudes!

    Like

  29. indianideas December 2, 2013 / 5:09 AM

    it is a great post, literally u undressed the educated narrow minded sick perverts, the biggest focus shud be on the love, trust and emotions rather than anything else. Past is gone, dont spoil your present and future because of past.

    Like

  30. Sreesha Divakaran December 2, 2013 / 5:16 AM

    Hey, thanks for reading! Yes, people must let bygones be bygones. Such trivial things should not be made a big issue out of in a relationship..

    Like

  31. pixelvoyages December 2, 2013 / 6:43 AM

    Sreesha, you just made my day! What a witty and well written post.

    If my blog had not been about travel and photography, I would have re-blogged this in a jiffy. Will share it on FB though. Keep up the good work dear!

    Like

  32. Abhijnan December 2, 2013 / 8:18 AM

    And yet we call ourselves civilized

    Like

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