the difference between breathing and living

there was this trip that i went for once, to this place called…ok, i don’t remember what the place was called…it was a place with a small lake, and nothing to do, but stare at it. funnily enough, i enjoyed the trip, considering the fact that i went with people whom i am not very close with, and there is a lot to be guessed from the fact that i don’t even remember the name of the place. at the end of the day, one of the guys with us said, “you should try everything in life, at least once.” this was in reply on someone’s comment on his smoking and drinking habits. this statement made me look back on things which i have tried in life. i had this smile on my face, which made the guy ask, “what?” and i did not have a response. 

when he said “try everything”, i do not quite know what he meant. for me it means, instead of going through each day, as it comes, you should live each day, as it comes. but you never get the right chances, and even if you do, you never grab them. i woke up one morning, over three years ago, feeling a sense of nothingness. i woke up thinking if i were to die today, what would people say i have accomplished. my school teachers might say i was an excellent student, and my college teachers would scoff at them for saying so. my mom might say i was destined for high places and my dad would say i was the most talented person who ever tread the planet. but the fact remained, that besides a long-past history of scoring good marks, i had done nothing, had no talents, and suddenly i did not love myself as much as i used to. with this in mind, i bought myself a guitar. i knew if i wanted to die happy, i must do something, learn something, that did not make me feel like a failure. for me, life had become this one track road where i worked extended hours, earned way below my peers and felt worthless.

i felt proud of myself that day. i kept staring at my guitar and touching it, and playing with the strings, though i didn’t know the difference between each chord. it looked good and it smelled good. to me, it felt as though i was holding my first child.
sadly, today, three years have gone by. sadder still, the years went by in a blur. i am suddenly older, but i am nowhere different from where i was when i first bought my guitar. i still work extra hours and earn less than my peers, and my mom and dad are the still the only people who feel i am worth something (the teachers remember me, apparently, but are really disappointed in me for not keeping in touch). i still cant differentiate one day from the next or one year from the next. i am resentful towards those because of whom i couldn’t be anywhere or become anyone. i am angry at the society for not treating women better. i am angry at the chauvinists who keep repeating that a woman’s place is in the kitchen and a working woman is an arrogant bitch. i am tired of procrastinating. i do not want to wake up three years from today with the same guitar in the same bag in the shelf of yet another house, collecting dust in some unwanted corner. if only i could turn back time and be back in March 2010. another chance is all i ask, because i am tired of breathing. what i want to do now, is live. and, yes – try everything once.

3 thoughts on “the difference between breathing and living

  1. IM CRAzy NOt really March 29, 2013 / 9:51 AM

    This is just the start. Are you sure that you are not slipping into a depression ? Cos you know, climbing out of one, might just cost you your life, not literally.

    This is what i don't like about lightly selfish people, they just cry about the world being unfair to them, and do nothing about it. You know the word 'unfair' still means that you care about the world and you are asking it too nicely to change its attitude towards you. Why don't you guys go full-on selfish ?

    I mean, say 'fuck you world, if you're not gonna give me what is fair, i'monna take it by force'.

    Let me use an analogy here, if you were stuck in a ditch alone, would you try to find your way out of it by any means necessary or will you wait for somebody to come rescue you ?

    You get the point don't you ? Nobody gives a shit. If you get ill somehow, or are not competent enough, good for them. They've got one less person to compete with.

    Like the teenage anthem/prophecy YOLO says. You only live once, so shake off that cold, get out of that ditch. What i really mean is, get over it, cos you know bitch is just a word and YOLO YOLO YOLO YOLO YOLO YOLO YOLO.

    Seriously dude selfish bitch always gets her way.


  2. sreesha divakaran March 29, 2013 / 10:27 AM

    u knw, u migt be right abt the depression thing…. lately i've been feeling tht i might be slippin into it…
    a part of me doesnt care abt the world, bt another part stil does… and its tht 2nd part to whom i hav to answer to (sadly)… i try to do thngs my way n thn i get th heat fr it… its too tirin… lik bein torn in th middle… i too knw tht you liv only once, hence i bought th guitar 3 yrs ago, cos i wanted to liv before i die… bt sometimes, th world jus doesnt let us take our chances…


  3. IM CRAzy NOt really April 5, 2013 / 7:48 PM

    buy a telescope instead of a guitar. watch the rings of jupiter, the craters on the moon, pluto… the nebulae, the galaxies. that moment… when you realize the grandoisity of space. there was no depression anymore. true story 😀


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